Nuance – Turn ons

My throat feels dry; my cheeks feel stiff from all the tears drying up on them. I can’t breathe, I gasp for air and try breathing deeply but it doesn’t work, in out, in out, in out…
I manage to get some air in my lungs but I’ve attracted his attention, he wakes up and looks at me with one lazy eye that droops back, popping open when he realization sets in. He looks at me in horror for a good 30 seconds.
Then he jumps towards me, but I’m not falling for that. I point the knife towards my wrist, he stops.
“Babe, babe please don’t.” I want to scream and shout at him for sleeping with my other best friend, but nothing comes out as I part my dry lips. He takes this as a sign to slip closer, I press the sharp blade into my skin. It doesn’t hurt anymore.
“Babe stop it, what’s wrong, please stop.” His eyes look crazy, he’s panicking. “Get away from me”, I croak.
“Okay, okay just please keep it down babe, please.” He backs away slightly.
“Get the fuck away from me. I don’t want you to see me like this” I say, my voice hoarse.
“Dana, honey I don’t care just put it back down please, talk to me babe, yeah?”
I think about it and toss the knife on the floor, and my hands fall to floor in defeat revealing several cuts across my forearm. Tears fall out, not from the pain but the look on my best friend’s face, he’s so hurt I know he wants to cry.
He runs towards me, picking me up and cradling me in his arms. “Dana” he mumbles, I don’t need to look at him to know he’s tearing up, “Dana what happened babe, why are you acting this way”.
I look up at him, his eyes searching mine for an answer. My heart breaks for putting him in this place, but right now, I need him, so I’m going to use him, I have no choice its either that or cutting up myself till I die, he’ll never know anyway.
He rubs the back of his knuckles across my cheeks, “Talk to me Dana, please.”
I start crying and hug him, my arms and legs crossed behind him. I’m howling and he cries with me, begging me to tell him what’s wrong.
But I can’t, I love him.
We fall asleep limbs entangled hours later, I open my eyes and stare at him, fresh tears welling up but I stop them from falling. I start to get up and he mumbles my name in his sleep and I’m staring at him in horror, I stop myself from walking towards his window and jumping out. I stare at him and he moans my name again.
What the actual fuck.


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